So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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