I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
