Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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