my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Brb crying the tears of my youth
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
