So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
