So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
