If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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