I think I won the penis lottery.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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