I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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