The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize