either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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