Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
