I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
