i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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