I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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