can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
