Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
