I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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