I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
