No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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