I was born with a shot glass in my hand
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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