this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
