if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
