i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
