Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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