I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
