I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
