my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
