i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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