I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize