I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
