glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
