you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
