i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize