My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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