Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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