the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
