So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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