Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
