I accidentally had phone sex last night
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
whose parrot is this?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
