I am puke
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
