I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
it's like iHOP with fire
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
