What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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