She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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