dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
