I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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