I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you traded sex for a burrito?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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