Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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