i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He has the fingertips of a God
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