Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
