What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm sobbing to NWA
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
