I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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