You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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