I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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