I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
