I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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