I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
