So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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