hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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