My sheets look like a crime scene.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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