Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize