Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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