It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
