I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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