I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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