Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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