Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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